The 7 most important words in your Christian marriage
You know that feeling of slight panic β¦ the sweat of gentle terror? Youβre in the supermarket and you suddenly spot the Anniversary Cards or Valentineβs Day Cards, and the immediate thought is β¦ βdid I miss it? β¦ is it today? β¦. when is it?ββ¦. Yeah me too.
βLove and marriageβ has been popping up a lot. We just had Valentineβs Day; I belatedly noticed that we recently had a Marriage Week here in the UK; the Church of England has been debating what we even mean by marriage, and Iβm down to conduct my first wedding service in our church in Wythenshawe.
And yet down the years our society has increasingly devalued marriage.
There are choices now where you can pick βnβ mix the type of relationship you want with the level of commitment you feel like making.
Problem is, without the commitment, weβre setting off on the wrong foot from day one. After all itβs much easier to walk out of a relationship which we never committed to in the first place β right?
But while the idea of staying with the same person for the rest of your life might be under question to people around us, for Christians itβs still both the ideal and the expectation. Sometimes it might not be possible, but mostly it is possible. We will have problems and struggles β whether we are Christians or not β but:
The promise we made was to stay together βtill death do us partβ, literally until one of us attends the graveside of the other.
So back to those 7 words. I canβt remember many sermons, either ones I have heard or ones I have preached (β¦ thatβs not so good). But sometimes you hear a sermon and something sticks. So I remember many years ago someone telling me the β7 most important words in a Christian marriageβ. I donβt remember anything else but I remember his 7 words.
Iβm sorry
Letβs go straight to the point. For many of us these may be the most difficult 2 words to say in the entire English language. We spend so much of our time convincing ourselves that weβre in the right. And even when we realise we were not as right as we thought we were, well, we donβt actually need to say sorry because β¦ βmy partner knows me and will understandβ. Which is another way of saying βIβm too proud to apologiseβ. In a very real sense, I think pride is at the heart of all human failing. Pride will be the last sin to go. In other words, even when we have accepted all the other things we did which were wrong, some of us will somehow still hang on to an excuse β¦ βyes but hereβs WHY I behaved like thatβ β¦. Weβll desperately find a way to salvage some pride.
Easy? no. Necessary? Yes.
Iβm sorry
I love you
This is one of those things where we think βthis is obvious β¦β¦ why do I need to say itβ. But that would be like God saying: βof course I love you, why do I need to keep reminding you? Thereβs no need for me to keep writing it in the Bible is there?β. Well yes in theory thatβs right, but itβs still good, uplifting and encouraging to hear in scripture that β¦ God so loved the world β¦ that God demonstrates that he loves us β¦ in fact that God lavishes his love upon us.
Of course there are lots of ways to say βI love youβ. We might give up something we would rather do for the sake of our husband / wife, we might perform an act of kindness, we might just give each other time to go on a date. But the words themselves also matter, and can have a power of their own.
I love you
Letβs pray
There arenβt just 2 people in a Christian marriage. God is also present and that means finding times when the 3 of you can talk together. But praying together does something else as well. It means we lay out on the table what weβre concerned about, whatβs on our heart. If we have children it gets us on the same wavelength for our hopes, fears and aspirations. And then it does the most wonderful thing, where the two of you can hand it all over to the third person, to God.
Lets pray
Whatβs special about THESE 7 words?
Lots. Take a look at them again. Iβm sorry β I love you β letβs pray. These words are both childishly simple yet immensely powerful:
- They are all ways of releasing pressure and getting on the same wavelength as each other, kind of like doing a level-set on your relationship. In fact, to coin a popular expression:
In many situations these phrases are game-changers
- They demonstrate the complete truth of James 3. James points out how our tongue (our words) can devastate a relationship. He says: a whole forest catches fire from the spark of a hurtful comment, a huge ship is knocked off course by the rudder of a single thoughtless remark. But what we often donβt realise is that the exact opposite is also true. A damaging situation that has gone on for months can be put right by two simple words βIβm sorryβ.
- And I believe all 3 comments are sacrificial. In saying them we lay aside something of ourselves. We make ourselves ever so slightly vulnerable. In fact we begin to imitate Christ himself, who βbeing in very nature God, didnβt cling to equality with God β¦β
β¦ And surely, being Christ-like is better than being βrightβ?
If you enjoyed this post try reading Do Relationships Make Us Happy?
The 7 most important words in a marriage (the actual 7 words that is!) are from a sermon by Brian Buhler, senior pastor at Pacific Community Church.
My name is Mary and I just came across your article The 7 most important words in your Christian marriage β 7 Minutes. It was really well written, and I think your advice is the kind of thing more people need to hear and follow. Kudos.
Thank you Mary for taking time to both read and comment π
A lot of this comes down to patience and putting one anotherβs first. These are not easy things with someone so close but we can learn to do them β as well learning to use your 3 phrases
And these things are hardest with the people who know us best β right? .β¦ maybe even some connection to a prophet not being welcome in his own town π
Iβm sorry, please forgive me.
??
asking for forgiveness is the important part of saying your sorry
Ah OK β got it π
Thank you for directing us Chris to the essence of what makes for a successful marriage. It gets past so much of the sentimentality and superficiality of our age.
β¦ I am only learning myself Sunil. But i am glad to say that where I have failed to use these words (and others I should have) β¦ my wife was better than me β she carried us through π
Thank you Chris for this simple but necessary reminder.
Thanks for taking time to comment!
Good. The pastor who baptized me (may he rest in peace) used to say that there are five important sentences for any marriage to survive. He said especially men need to be able to say these. I remember only three. 1. Iβm sorry. 2. I love you. 3. It was my mistake. I think he used the third to say that willingness to acknowledge our mistakes or wrongdoings contribute positively to marriage (duh! thatβs obvious). But what was not obvious was that he occasionally used the third sentence to recognize responsibility for the mistakes that I believe his wife was responsible. On another… Read more »
Good notes β thanks. I think you;re right about over devaluing these words by overuse and that on the hand, and for men especially, some of these phrases are incredibly difficult β¦ we need to get over that π